I’m Writing a Memoir

Hey, it’s been a while. I honestly just temporarily ran out of inspiration & positive encouragement. I have to brainstorm some more but haven’t gotten around to it- maybe I’m only wise to a certain point. I am only 22 years old, after all. Haha!

Anyways, I thought I’d share a little bit of information about my memoir I’m currently working on. It has definitely just started, I’m nowhere near finished but it’s a start. I thought I’d share my thoughts on it, the subject matter & why I write what I’m writing about.

So why do I write?

Well, because I want others to understand and have more knowledge about topics such as abuse that’s not physical or sexual, bullying, sexual harassment, eating disorders & mental health. I want to help people be in the know- so they understand what someone going through these things are dealing with, how traumatic it really is & why they react certain ways because of what they’ve been through.

So they can learn that not all abuse is physical or sexual & that what someone who has suffered through these types of things isn’t easy or any less hurtful, harmful or traumatic just because someone else has “suffered worse than you have” & that their feelings and struggles are valid. That what you’ve suffered through is incredibly hard, more than tough & you suffered.

That if someone thinks you haven’t had it as bad as someone else, not to listen to them. Trauma is trauma and it’s important to not compare to other’s trauma- that makes your struggles feel less than they really are and that’s not true at all. It’s a good step of healing when you recognize that.

I want people to know that & I want people to know you are not alone. That someone goes through these things too & that it’s gonna be ok. You’ll be just fine. You will survive this battle & escape that hell hole- which could even just be your mind- and live again! Healing is possible, I promise. It’s tough and incredibly challenging but it is worth it, so don’t give up!

I want everyone to know this: you’ve survived what were your worst days- days you didn’t think you’d make it through- and you’re still here, strong as ever. You can survive this too.

That’s why I write.

x Stefani

 

Don’t let the negativity get to you

Some days are really hard. I can’t stop thinking about the past. I feel guilty. I feel angry. And sometimes I think about how much I’ve been hurt and how that has effected the way I think about myself. The weird thing is that sometimes I’ll even do this on purpose to make myself feel bad, because I feel I deserve it.

Sometimes I feel as if I’m just a confused little girl stumbling through this life not knowing what’s she’s doing, where she’s going, or why she’s even going.

A lot of good things have been happening in my life lately, but I can’t help but think about the bad things. Even if sometimes those things are in the past. I feel like that happens to a lot of people, oftentimes we’ll be so focused on the bad that we can’t see the good. Don’t let that happen. Look around you and you will see all the wonderful things happening. They may be small, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t great. And if you still can’t find anything to be grateful for, try this: help others without expecting anything back. Buy a homeless person some lunch, or just have a nice talk with them. They probably don’t get a lot of people to talk to. Smile at someone. You never know what someone else could be going through, so always be kind to them, and help them. You will feel really happy you did, trust me. DSC_0391 Here’s a picture that my boyfriend took of me and my beautiful mommy. Mother’s Day is coming up, don’t forget to show how much you appreciate your mom! Have a wonderful day, and Happy (Early) Mother’s Day!

Forgiveness & Encouragement

Hey! Sorry I’ve been so quiet lately. I have no excuse!

But, in other news, I want to tell you a little bit about forgiveness and encouragement.

I’ve noticed in my life that a lot of people are not very forgiving towards others or themselves. And that makes me really sad. Because forgiving is a good thing. Maybe someone did something wrong, and maybe you never got an apology. Or maybe you need to forgive yourself. Well, let me tell you something about forgiveness: When you forgive, it doesn’t excuse their actions, it doesn’t make what they did okay, but it puts you at peace. And that’s super important. So learn to accept the apology you never got, and forgive that person.

It is a process though, sometimes a long one. Try. I’m not saying you should forgive right now. All I’m asking is to please try and start the process. Forgive yourself, and forgive others. It will help you heal.

Now let’s talk about encouragement:

We are all born with the power to help others. Don’t waste it.

So be encouraging, be supportive. Everyone deserves a second chance. Especially to those who are trying to better themselves.

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Regardless of what you or others may think, you are extraordinary. Every single one of you.

A Few Thoughts For Today

Good morning! Just a few words from me today:

Keep going, no matter what stands in your way. Look up towards the sky, say “thank you,” and keep going.

We learn from our struggles and we learn from our mistakes. Treat those struggles and mistakes as a way to become a stronger, better person. Whatever you do, don’t give up.

Stay strong, because you are already strong.

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And be free. x Stefani

Tea & Musings

Good morning beautiful people and Happy February!

Two days ago I had a very cozy day. I stayed inside all day and sat in the sun for most of the time while the sun was available. I drank lots of tea while I researched internships in the florist business for a hopeful future career, and continued to get frustrated with the results (or “no results” as I like to call it) because so far I haven’t found any in San Diego. But, more on that later.

Right now I want to talk about a little problem of mine…

I like tea, I have it multiple times a day most days. I also like sugar, lots of sugar in my tea.

But here’s the problem: I’m getting tummy aches from it. I feel like throwing up too. My doctor has told me to cut down on my tea. I did for a little bit, but I couldn’t keep it up for long.

Am I addicted to tea? Maybe I’m addicted to sugar. One day I had 36 packets of sugar in my tea in total of all the tea I had that day. Which was two medium-sized cups of tea. So that means 18 packets of sugar in each cup of tea. If you think that’s a lot, well, I used to have 26 packets of sugar in each cup and 3 cups almost every day. I’ve been getting better! It’s progress.

To put it into perspective: 18 packets of sugar twice a day for FIVE days is 180 packets of sugar. Just let that thought sit for a while.

I actually have been cutting down, once I learned that little fact above. I use 10 packets currently, and I hope to go down even more.

Needless to say, I get asked this question often, “Would you like some tea with your sugar?”

Coffee is gross, though. My boyfriend loves it, but I think it smells gross and it tastes gross. I also don’t know anything about it, that’s why I think I’d be the worst Starbucks employee haha!

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How is your February going so far? Let me know, I’d love to hear! Mine is going along great. My boyfriend was super sick for a week though. Thankfully I was able to talk him into trying to get days off. He thought he wouldn’t get any, but you never know until you try! He was able to get lots of days off to feel all better, which was awesome!

Until next time! x Stefani

Starting a New Life in The New Year

A Letter To My Abuser,

You dug yourself deep into this hole that you can’t get out of. But you dragged me along too.

And I know you were abused as a child, and that you don’t want to end up like them. But I also know that sometimes the abused become abusive.

And I don’t want to be like you, but the cycle continues.

I’m turning into you—a bitter, angry person who gets mad at everything and nothing. And it’s not just any ordinary kind of mad, it’s the kind of mad that has me unable to control myself. The kind where words fly out of my mouth before I think, the kind that has me screaming as loud as I can into my pillow, crying as hard as I can because I’ve never ever ever gotten angry at anything—especially not like this—before I met you. And I am so scared. I’m scared of myself, for myself, and for the people around me. I don’t want to be abusive like you, and although people say I don’t have the heart for it, it’s turning in that direction.

You’ve silenced me with fear, like so many other victims of abuse have been.

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Regardless, I hope you’ll learn to forgive, just as I hope I’ll learn to forgive. Because forgiving puts you at peace. And I hope you find that happiness you seek. I hope you find God before it’s too late. But most of all, I hope you finally understand what damage your actions and words have caused, and that you learn from them. And I hope one day you’ll change into the loving person you are deep down in your heart, that person I know you are capable of becoming.

And now I want you to know something: I’m out. I’m free, not only of you, but free of becoming more like you. I don’t need to think of you anymore, I don’t need to be afraid of you anymore. I’m starting a new life in the new year without you. So thank you. I know that what you have done to me will turn me into a stronger person one day.

Freedom & Daisies

For me, daisies represent freedom. I don’t have any idea why, but they do.

I know this because I was recently freed from someone. Well, I wasn’t the only one. My dad was freed from this person too. But the point is, four days after being freed I was at art class, and during art class I could not stop drawing daisies. I kept thinking, “I’m free, I’m free, I’m free!” and a field of daisies was the first thing I drew. And everything since then has had a daisy or two (or five) in it.

I even happened across a few daisies at Balboa Park over here in San Diego.Daisy

The person me and my dad were freed from, she’s not family. But she was dating my dad for a while, and we all lived together for about 5 years. Within a few months, she turned abusive. But my dad and I didn’t have the money to move away from her, until now.

But enough about sad stuff, that’s a story for another day.

Let’s talk about happy things, like daisies! What is your representation of freedom?

Keep Your Head Held High

There’s a song by Morgan Taylor Reid called “Simply Human” and it’s a great song, although it does seem to drag on a little. But the point is, I wanted to share an important thought related to a favorite line from this song:

And there’s always room to grow,
So keep your head high.

We are simply human
.”

I think this is such a great thing to remember. When I hear these words, I am reminded of how we’re all constantly growing and learning each day. I think of how we should learn from our mistakes. Forgive yourself, and forgive others too. After all, we’re only human.

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These are just some thoughts from me for the day. What are your thoughts about this line from the song? Do you have a favorite song that inspires you? I’d love to hear!
x Stefani