It happened on a Monday.
In high school, there was someone who I had a huge crush on. One day I asked him if he would date me.
He said, “I would date you if I didn’t already have a girlfriend.”
One year later he was single. So I asked him again if he would date me. He said, “No. We should remain friends.”
Almost immediately after I called my dad, even though school was still in session. I told him, “Dad, I need you to come pick me up right now. I’m going to kill myself and I need to go to the hospital before I do.”
He dropped everything and got to my school in about 40 minutes.
I was at the psych ward in the hospital for a week. I was back at school by Monday. I was embarrassed because the guy I had a crush on probably thought I was a coward. He probably thought I was hiding from him. But he didn’t know the situation.
He didn’t know I struggle with self-harm, that I have struggled since I was 11. He didn’t know I was suicidal. He didn’t know I felt betrayed, and lying about wanting to date me would push me over the edge. He didn’t know how close I was to killing myself. He didn’t know.
He didn’t know that I was actually very brave. He didn’t know I reached out for help. He didn’t know how strong I was, and that it took everything in me to admit I needed to go to the hospital. He didn’t know that I didn’t want help, but there was a tiny part of me, the smallest part of me that knew I needed help.
He doesn’t know I’m married now. He doesn’t know I no longer struggle with self-harm or suicidal thoughts and actions. He doesn’t know that God saved my life. He doesn’t know that the last time I wanted to kill myself I was 19 and I had a thorough plan, but my husband (boyfriend at the time) found out and talked me out of it for over 5 hours, straight. He doesn’t know that the only reason my husband found out was because I reached out for help.
Life is so worth living. Life is full of ups and downs but it doesn’t have to be perfect for you to be happy. Life is rewarding in so many ways. There is hope, there is love, there is so many people who care for you. When you’re depressed it’s really hard to see that, but it’s true.
You are brave, you are strong, you are brilliant, you are loving and worthy of love. You are hardship, you are strength, you are courage. You are a warrior, one who has survived battle after battle. You will survive this battle too. So don’t give up. Reach out. Help is here for you.
If you or someone you know is struggling, please, reach out.
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: