You Are Not a Mistake

“But we’re never beyond hope or help.”

You are not a mistake. Sometimes I still have suicidal thoughts. Sometimes it lasts for weeks, sometimes it lasts for a day. But it’s there, nonetheless. And I’m still here. And I couldn’t be more proud of myself. But sometimes I’m not proud of myself. It’s confusing. Depression is strange. It can last for a day or months, and often times years. It’s there because of situations that go wrong, feelings and thoughts that go spiraling down.

For me, I start getting depressed, feeling like hurting myself and sometimes get suicidal thoughts if I feel rejected. That’s just a pattern that I’ve noticed. That’s usually how it starts for me. If someone doesn’t want to be my friend anymore, or, in the past before I met my husband, if a boy doesn’t want to date me.

To some these things may seem petty. People have told me that hurting myself over a boy is stupid, that no one is that ridiculous. But that’s not true. Hurting yourself and having suicidal thoughts is no joke. It’s scary and your reason for it may not make sense to some people. But it makes sense to me because I’ve been there, and I understand. The smallest of things would set me off. Things that build up over time. Things that seem petty. And when that final straw hits, the best thing you can do is reach out for help. Help is here for you. You are going to be okay. I know it’s tough. I know you don’t want to reach out, but you were put on this earth for a reason. You are not an accident. You are not a mistake. Please know that you are so so loved.

x Stefani

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Reaching Out For Help Is Very Brave

It happened on a Monday.

In high school, there was someone who I had a huge crush on. One day I asked him if he would date me.

He said, “I would date you if I didn’t already have a girlfriend.”

One year later he was single. So I asked him again if he would date me. He said, “No. We should remain friends.”

Almost immediately after I called my dad, even though school was still in session. I told him, “Dad, I need you to come pick me up right now. I’m going to kill myself and I need to go to the hospital before I do.”

He dropped everything and got to my school in about 40 minutes.

I was at the psych ward in the hospital for a week. I was back at school by Monday. I was embarrassed because the guy I had a crush on probably thought I was a coward. He probably thought I was hiding from him. But he didn’t know the situation.

He didn’t know I struggle with self-harm, that I have struggled since I was 11. He didn’t know I was suicidal. He didn’t know I felt betrayed, and lying about wanting to date me would push me over the edge. He didn’t know how close I was to killing myself. He didn’t know.

He didn’t know that I was actually very brave. He didn’t know I reached out for help. He didn’t know how strong I was, and that it took everything in me to admit I needed to go to the hospital. He didn’t know that I didn’t want help, but there was a tiny part of me, the smallest part of me that knew I needed help.

He doesn’t know I’m married now. He doesn’t know I no longer struggle with self-harm or suicidal thoughts and actions. He doesn’t know that God saved my life. He doesn’t know that the last time I wanted to kill myself I was 19 and I had a thorough plan, but my husband (boyfriend at the time) found out and talked me out of it for over 5 hours, straight. He doesn’t know that the only reason my husband found out was because I reached out for help.

Life is so worth living. Life is full of ups and downs but it doesn’t have to be perfect for you to be happy. Life is rewarding in so many ways. There is hope, there is love, there is so many people who care for you. When you’re depressed it’s really hard to see that, but it’s true.

You are brave, you are strong, you are brilliant, you are loving and worthy of love. You are hardship, you are strength, you are courage. You are a warrior, one who has survived battle after battle. You will survive this battle too. So don’t give up. Reach out. Help is here for you.

 

If you or someone you know is struggling, please, reach out.

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline:

1.800.273.8255

x Stefani

21 Random Acts of Kindness

Hello and good morning! I hope you’re all having a happy day! I am, even though I’m sick.

Next month is my 21st birthday, and I wanted to do something special: 21 random acts of kindness (or more) during the month of May. I won’t be drinking alcohol ever so I thought I’d do something else that’s way more awesome.

But I need your help. I have a list of 9 acts of kindness, but I need more. I’d love to have 21 or more, but even if I don’t reach that number, I plan to just repeat the others again and again.

Here’s what I have so far:

  • Pass out flowers (not roses)
  • Leave uplifting messages on paper on the tables at restaurants/cafe’s for people to find
  • Leave “take what you need” papers on poles
  • Put money in parking meters
  • Pay for the person behind me in line
  • Give goodie bags to the homeless, ask for their name and talk with them
  • Write a real handwritten letter to friends and family
  • Make lunch for someone and stick an uplifting note inside
  • Let people go in front of me in line

Does anybody have any ideas? Thanks for the help!