It’s Ok, You’re Human

Some thoughts for today:

At the end of the day, you’re human. You make mistakes and that’s ok. Just learn from them. You are blooming and becoming and growing so much.

It’s ok. It’s ok to take time for yourself. Take time to just be. Relax and enjoy the life you have. The little moments. The big moments. The struggles and successes. Celebrate all you’ve done, the good and the bad. Because that bad stuff? It’s shaped you into who you are. It’s something you can learn from, and it’s something you can grow from.

This life you’ve got is not going to be perfect. And it doesn’t have to be.

Maybe you saved a bee from being squished or you graduated college. Both are great accomplishments. Small or big, they are accomplishments nonetheless. Maybe you had a really hard day and you got out of bed, even if it was brief. That’s a great accomplishment. Maybe you had a really hard day and you didn’t get out of bed. That’s ok, you’re doing great.

You may be a work in progress but you’re a wonderful work in progress.

It’s ok not to be ok. You may never be ok and that’s totally fine. But be happy, please try. That’s all I ask of you. Even if it’s small, be happy.

You’ll be just fine. I believe in you. All that’s left is for you to believe in yourself.

It’s ok. You’re human.

x Stefani

Reaching Out For Help Is Very Brave

It happened on a Monday.

In high school, there was someone who I had a huge crush on. One day I asked him if he would date me.

He said, “I would date you if I didn’t already have a girlfriend.”

One year later he was single. So I asked him again if he would date me. He said, “No. We should remain friends.”

Almost immediately after I called my dad, even though school was still in session. I told him, “Dad, I need you to come pick me up right now. I’m going to kill myself and I need to go to the hospital before I do.”

He dropped everything and got to my school in about 40 minutes.

I was at the psych ward in the hospital for a week. I was back at school by Monday. I was embarrassed because the guy I had a crush on probably thought I was a coward. He probably thought I was hiding from him. But he didn’t know the situation.

He didn’t know I struggle with self-harm, that I have struggled since I was 11. He didn’t know I was suicidal. He didn’t know I felt betrayed, and lying about wanting to date me would push me over the edge. He didn’t know how close I was to killing myself. He didn’t know.

He didn’t know that I was actually very brave. He didn’t know I reached out for help. He didn’t know how strong I was, and that it took everything in me to admit I needed to go to the hospital. He didn’t know that I didn’t want help, but there was a tiny part of me, the smallest part of me that knew I needed help.

He doesn’t know I’m married now. He doesn’t know I no longer struggle with self-harm or suicidal thoughts and actions. He doesn’t know that God saved my life. He doesn’t know that the last time I wanted to kill myself I was 19 and I had a thorough plan, but my husband (boyfriend at the time) found out and talked me out of it for over 5 hours, straight. He doesn’t know that the only reason my husband found out was because I reached out for help.

Life is so worth living. Life is full of ups and downs but it doesn’t have to be perfect for you to be happy. Life is rewarding in so many ways. There is hope, there is love, there is so many people who care for you. When you’re depressed it’s really hard to see that, but it’s true.

You are brave, you are strong, you are brilliant, you are loving and worthy of love. You are hardship, you are strength, you are courage. You are a warrior, one who has survived battle after battle. You will survive this battle too. So don’t give up. Reach out. Help is here for you.

 

If you or someone you know is struggling, please, reach out.

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline:

1.800.273.8255

x Stefani

Don’t Let Others Take Control of Your Life

Hi! Happy June! It’s June right? Time just kind of flew by. How is everyone? I’ve been pretty absent on here lately.

Well, today I want to talk about this quote I rediscovered today. I first found it around this time last year, and it goes like this:

“This is your world. Shape it or someone else will.”

This quote can mean a lot of things. I feel like people can interpret it a bunch of different ways. But this is how I interpret it:

The first thing I think about is the abuse I suffered and how much my abuser controlled me, whether it be manipulation with her words or how my thinking patterns changed. Because she controlled so much of my life, my life basically revolved around her, i.e., anything and everything I did was to make her happy instead of angry. Granted, she got angry anyways because she always found something to be mad about.

But my point is this: I let her shape my world. She controlled my world with fear, manipulation, anger, etc. I was becoming “the backlash of somebody’s lack of love” (a quote from the song “Brave” by Sara Bareilles). I started to get angry, really angry. I don’t think I lashed out at anyone a lot, most of the time I’d take it out on myself.

I always put her first, and I’d try to the best of my ability to treat her with kindness and love, even though she didn’t treat me that way. And yet I was still called selfish. All the time. I can count four times where I’d snapped at her when I lost control of my anger towards her and my ability to think before I speak, but directly after I’d stay quiet until I knew I could only speak kindly to her to the best of my ability. Because as the saying goes, “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.”

My thinking patterns changed a lot. I had always kind of been the person to put others first and had difficulty saying “no” most of the time. I said “sorry” a lot. All that stuff. But over those five long years of living with her I’d taken all this to the extreme. After being called “selfish” and “annoying” a lot (when I was just trying to be nice), I began to apologize even more, for everything, things I didn’t do because I didn’t want to be selfish so I figured if I could somehow be the one whose to blame, all the time, I won’t be selfish any of the time. If I never tell someone “no” then I’m never selfish because I’m not putting myself first ever and if I let them do whatever they want, then they won’t be mad or upset at me.

On January 1st, 2015 I had a breakdown. After using this “no selfish rule” for most of my lifeĀ I had finally reached my breaking point. It was super difficult but I managed to talk it out to a few people, and we all decided to work on it together. I would work on putting myself first, saying “no” and to only be sorry when it’s appropriate, and they would help me. I was scared. I still am. But it’s progress.

My boyfriend is constantly reminding me that she’s out of my life now and I don’t have to let her control me. That’s a reminder I think everyone should have.

The second thing I think about, which should probably be first, is God. If you focus on people, and letting them take control over your life, your thoughts, etc. then maybe you aren’t putting God first and letting him take the reins of your life. He has the best plan for you. You may not see it yet and you may go through obstacles. But those obstacles you’re going through? You can handle them with God by your side. God never gives you something you can’t handle.

Walk by faith, not by sight. Let your faith be bigger than your fears.

What does that quote make you think of? The first thing that comes to mind? I’d love to listen and discuss it with you!

Don’t forget to stay strong and courageous! Have the most wonderful June yet!

Until next time. x Stefani