I’m Writing a Memoir

Hey, it’s been a while. I honestly just temporarily ran out of inspiration & positive encouragement. I have to brainstorm some more but haven’t gotten around to it- maybe I’m only wise to a certain point. I am only 22 years old, after all. Haha!

Anyways, I thought I’d share a little bit of information about my memoir I’m currently working on. It has definitely just started, I’m nowhere near finished but it’s a start. I thought I’d share my thoughts on it, the subject matter & why I write what I’m writing about.

So why do I write?

Well, because I want others to understand and have more knowledge about topics such as abuse that’s not physical or sexual, bullying, sexual harassment, eating disorders & mental health. I want to help people be in the know- so they understand what someone going through these things are dealing with, how traumatic it really is & why they react certain ways because of what they’ve been through.

So they can learn that not all abuse is physical or sexual & that what someone who has suffered through these types of things isn’t easy or any less hurtful, harmful or traumatic just because someone else has “suffered worse than you have” & that their feelings and struggles are valid. That what you’ve suffered through is incredibly hard, more than tough & you suffered.

That if someone thinks you haven’t had it as bad as someone else, not to listen to them. Trauma is trauma and it’s important to not compare to other’s trauma- that makes your struggles feel less than they really are and that’s not true at all. It’s a good step of healing when you recognize that.

I want people to know that & I want people to know you are not alone. That someone goes through these things too & that it’s gonna be ok. You’ll be just fine. You will survive this battle & escape that hell hole- which could even just be your mind- and live again! Healing is possible, I promise. It’s tough and incredibly challenging but it is worth it, so don’t give up!

I want everyone to know this: you’ve survived what were your worst days- days you didn’t think you’d make it through- and you’re still here, strong as ever. You can survive this too.

That’s why I write.

x Stefani

 

Don’t Let Others Take Control of Your Life

Hi! Happy June! It’s June right? Time just kind of flew by. How is everyone? I’ve been pretty absent on here lately.

Well, today I want to talk about this quote I rediscovered today. I first found it around this time last year, and it goes like this:

“This is your world. Shape it or someone else will.”

This quote can mean a lot of things. I feel like people can interpret it a bunch of different ways. But this is how I interpret it:

The first thing I think about is the abuse I suffered and how much my abuser controlled me, whether it be manipulation with her words or how my thinking patterns changed. Because she controlled so much of my life, my life basically revolved around her, i.e., anything and everything I did was to make her happy instead of angry. Granted, she got angry anyways because she always found something to be mad about.

But my point is this: I let her shape my world. She controlled my world with fear, manipulation, anger, etc. I was becoming “the backlash of somebody’s lack of love” (a quote from the song “Brave” by Sara Bareilles). I started to get angry, really angry. I don’t think I lashed out at anyone a lot, most of the time I’d take it out on myself.

I always put her first, and I’d try to the best of my ability to treat her with kindness and love, even though she didn’t treat me that way. And yet I was still called selfish. All the time. I can count four times where I’d snapped at her when I lost control of my anger towards her and my ability to think before I speak, but directly after I’d stay quiet until I knew I could only speak kindly to her to the best of my ability. Because as the saying goes, “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.”

My thinking patterns changed a lot. I had always kind of been the person to put others first and had difficulty saying “no” most of the time. I said “sorry” a lot. All that stuff. But over those five long years of living with her I’d taken all this to the extreme. After being called “selfish” and “annoying” a lot (when I was just trying to be nice), I began to apologize even more, for everything, things I didn’t do because I didn’t want to be selfish so I figured if I could somehow be the one whose to blame, all the time, I won’t be selfish any of the time. If I never tell someone “no” then I’m never selfish because I’m not putting myself first ever and if I let them do whatever they want, then they won’t be mad or upset at me.

On January 1st, 2015 I had a breakdown. After using this “no selfish rule” for most of my life I had finally reached my breaking point. It was super difficult but I managed to talk it out to a few people, and we all decided to work on it together. I would work on putting myself first, saying “no” and to only be sorry when it’s appropriate, and they would help me. I was scared. I still am. But it’s progress.

My boyfriend is constantly reminding me that she’s out of my life now and I don’t have to let her control me. That’s a reminder I think everyone should have.

The second thing I think about, which should probably be first, is God. If you focus on people, and letting them take control over your life, your thoughts, etc. then maybe you aren’t putting God first and letting him take the reins of your life. He has the best plan for you. You may not see it yet and you may go through obstacles. But those obstacles you’re going through? You can handle them with God by your side. God never gives you something you can’t handle.

Walk by faith, not by sight. Let your faith be bigger than your fears.

What does that quote make you think of? The first thing that comes to mind? I’d love to listen and discuss it with you!

Don’t forget to stay strong and courageous! Have the most wonderful June yet!

Until next time. x Stefani

Tea & Musings

Good morning beautiful people and Happy February!

Two days ago I had a very cozy day. I stayed inside all day and sat in the sun for most of the time while the sun was available. I drank lots of tea while I researched internships in the florist business for a hopeful future career, and continued to get frustrated with the results (or “no results” as I like to call it) because so far I haven’t found any in San Diego. But, more on that later.

Right now I want to talk about a little problem of mine…

I like tea, I have it multiple times a day most days. I also like sugar, lots of sugar in my tea.

But here’s the problem: I’m getting tummy aches from it. I feel like throwing up too. My doctor has told me to cut down on my tea. I did for a little bit, but I couldn’t keep it up for long.

Am I addicted to tea? Maybe I’m addicted to sugar. One day I had 36 packets of sugar in my tea in total of all the tea I had that day. Which was two medium-sized cups of tea. So that means 18 packets of sugar in each cup of tea. If you think that’s a lot, well, I used to have 26 packets of sugar in each cup and 3 cups almost every day. I’ve been getting better! It’s progress.

To put it into perspective: 18 packets of sugar twice a day for FIVE days is 180 packets of sugar. Just let that thought sit for a while.

I actually have been cutting down, once I learned that little fact above. I use 10 packets currently, and I hope to go down even more.

Needless to say, I get asked this question often, “Would you like some tea with your sugar?”

Coffee is gross, though. My boyfriend loves it, but I think it smells gross and it tastes gross. I also don’t know anything about it, that’s why I think I’d be the worst Starbucks employee haha!

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How is your February going so far? Let me know, I’d love to hear! Mine is going along great. My boyfriend was super sick for a week though. Thankfully I was able to talk him into trying to get days off. He thought he wouldn’t get any, but you never know until you try! He was able to get lots of days off to feel all better, which was awesome!

Until next time! x Stefani

Starting a New Life in The New Year

A Letter To My Abuser,

You dug yourself deep into this hole that you can’t get out of. But you dragged me along too.

And I know you were abused as a child, and that you don’t want to end up like them. But I also know that sometimes the abused become abusive.

And I don’t want to be like you, but the cycle continues.

I’m turning into you—a bitter, angry person who gets mad at everything and nothing. And it’s not just any ordinary kind of mad, it’s the kind of mad that has me unable to control myself. The kind where words fly out of my mouth before I think, the kind that has me screaming as loud as I can into my pillow, crying as hard as I can because I’ve never ever ever gotten angry at anything—especially not like this—before I met you. And I am so scared. I’m scared of myself, for myself, and for the people around me. I don’t want to be abusive like you, and although people say I don’t have the heart for it, it’s turning in that direction.

You’ve silenced me with fear, like so many other victims of abuse have been.

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Regardless, I hope you’ll learn to forgive, just as I hope I’ll learn to forgive. Because forgiving puts you at peace. And I hope you find that happiness you seek. I hope you find God before it’s too late. But most of all, I hope you finally understand what damage your actions and words have caused, and that you learn from them. And I hope one day you’ll change into the loving person you are deep down in your heart, that person I know you are capable of becoming.

And now I want you to know something: I’m out. I’m free, not only of you, but free of becoming more like you. I don’t need to think of you anymore, I don’t need to be afraid of you anymore. I’m starting a new life in the new year without you. So thank you. I know that what you have done to me will turn me into a stronger person one day.