You Are Not a Mistake

“But we’re never beyond hope or help.”

You are not a mistake. Sometimes I still have suicidal thoughts. Sometimes it lasts for weeks, sometimes it lasts for a day. But it’s there, nonetheless. And I’m still here. And I couldn’t be more proud of myself. But sometimes I’m not proud of myself. It’s confusing. Depression is strange. It can last for a day or months, and often times years. It’s there because of situations that go wrong, feelings and thoughts that go spiraling down.

For me, I start getting depressed, feeling like hurting myself and sometimes get suicidal thoughts if I feel rejected. That’s just a pattern that I’ve noticed. That’s usually how it starts for me. If someone doesn’t want to be my friend anymore, or, in the past before I met my husband, if a boy doesn’t want to date me.

To some these things may seem petty. People have told me that hurting myself over a boy is stupid, that no one is that ridiculous. But that’s not true. Hurting yourself and having suicidal thoughts is no joke. It’s scary and your reason for it may not make sense to some people. But it makes sense to me because I’ve been there, and I understand. The smallest of things would set me off. Things that build up over time. Things that seem petty. And when that final straw hits, the best thing you can do is reach out for help. Help is here for you. You are going to be okay. I know it’s tough. I know you don’t want to reach out, but you were put on this earth for a reason. You are not an accident. You are not a mistake. Please know that you are so so loved.

x Stefani